Tastes Like Happiness

Dear Dr. Diva,

I dated a girl for a few months last winter, but I ended up breaking up with her because I simply wasn't ready for any kind of relationship. Now I have moved two states away, but I realized that I love her. We are still in contact, but my question is should I ask her if she wants to have a "long distance relationship," Or should I just leave things as they are?


Suffer!

Well, the question is: are you saying you realized you LOVED her, or that you realize you LOVE her? If you are only recognizing that the relationship perhaps meant more to you in the past than you knew then, you probably are just suffering from a light case of “you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.”

If, however, you can’t live without this girl – she’s all you can think about – you’d wait for two hours in line at the Cheesecake Factory just to buy her a slice of their sinfully delicious Vanilla Bean Cheesecake (**ahem**)… then maybe it’s worth talking over with me... i mean 'him'... er, 'her'?

Love ain’t got no boundaries – it dudn’t care about arbitrary state borders.

If you DO go through with this line of thinking, make sure you up your text messaging plan. A helpful hint – Verizon will celebrate your budding love by charging your ass a quarter every time you text “Still W8ing at Chesecake, c u wen I get your pi.”

Bi Bi,
Dr. Diva

At Ease, Gentlemen

Dear Dr. Diva,

I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months, and we love each other very much. The only problem is… his father. I'm a liberal, and he's a very conservative republican. Because of my political affiliation, he automatically deems me as "unfit" to date his son. He makes a lot of assumptions about my lifestyle and puts me down. All I want is to win his approval so my boyfriend and I can date in peace. Please help?


Sir, Your Balls Are In The Way...


No one has the right to put you down, girl… And politics isn’t an excuse to do so.

Next time he says something you don’t like, tell him you’re more than happy to debate politics – but not your self-respect!

Hopefully, your boyfriend’s ass is worth the ass-umptions of his dad.

Be Loud, Be Proud,
Dr. Diva

That's Why They Call It 'Fantastik,' Hon

Dear Dr. Diva,

I have lived with my husband for many years now – and recently we’ve just lost the motivation to clean up! The house is very messy now, and neither of us seems to care enough to clean it. My husband is now getting angry with me, and doesn’t want to bring work home with him or friends over because he’s embarrassed about the house. We are depressed – but isn’t it silly to be depressed over how clean the house is?


Scrub like you mean it!

Nope.

A house is just another reflection of who you are. If the house looks like hell – that’s what you look like on the inside, girl! The problem isn’t that you are depressed because of the house – but rather that the house looks the way it does because you and/or your husband may be depressed.

Everyone is allowed to be messy to a certain extent – but if it impedes your life (“I’m too embarrassed to have my friends over”) it has crossed over into being a serious problem. So, without knowing more, the best I can say is to take the situation seriously: seek help by having a serious conversation with your hubby about it – and consider professional counseling.

If all of this advice is going right over your head – you need open up a yellow pages and look under “C” for cleaning services! Well, honey, at least it’s a start!


The Dirrty Dr. Diva

Life Is Like A Box of Cheesecake...

Dear Dr. Diva,

My best friend is having her 18th birthday soon, and I don’t know what to give her. What are some good gifts? I really want her to remember it forever.


Mmm, tastes like cheesecake!

Let’s put it this way, honey – I never met a man with a cheesecake who I didn’t remember!

OK, but honestly… send me cheesecake.

No, but honestly… Gifts can be simple or complicated, but generally the more unique the gift, and the more specialized for the person who is receiving it, the better.

I suggest going to shop which sells the work of local artisans, crafters, jewelers, etc. Cool, one-of-a-kind pieces are the right answer – and these needn’t be expensive!

Also, consider giving something other than a material gift – like a dinner out, a movie out, or a sleepover with your friend's favorite Chinese take-out and DVD (OK, that one was for me again).

I love you almost as much as I do Betty White's shoulder pads,
Well, that's an untruth - I don't love you nearly that much,
Dr. Diva

Gitchie Gitchie Ya Ya!

Dear Dr. Diva,

I have a young daughter (she’s 12) who has recently become interested in rock and roll music and bands. I listened to one of the CD’s recently and was not happy with what I heard – the lyrics were offensive. I don’t think I can really take it away from her, since all of her friends listen to the same things. What can I do?


X-Tina makin' you feel dirrty?


Sweety,

I’ve known parents who forbade television completely, and parents who basically said “do whatever you want” – in the end, the child will have to make decisions for themselves and define themselves in their own way – your control won’t change that.

So, if your daughter is completely fine in other areas that are important (socially, in school, baking cheesecakes, etc.), then I’d say she’s fine – and let her listen to what she wants. Parents who simply try to shut out American popular culture are doing their kids a disservice – dabbling in different areas of popular culture helps kids to identify themselves, and learn about their tastes.

So, when you’re driving her around, make her listen to your old music and tell her “too damn bad, I let you listen to what you want in your room – this car is mine, fool!”

Payback’s a b*tch!

Disagree?
Well that's you, and I'm sorry
I'ma keep playin' these cats out like Atari,
Dr. Diva

Secret Secret, I've Got A Secret

Dear Dr. Diva,

I am 16 year old and am very close to my mother. There is only one problem - she doesn’t know that I go out with boys! She is always telling her friends that I am different and “not interested in that sort of thing.”

My question is whether I should tell her. One time I lied to her and she cried because I had kept a secret from her. I need help.

Does Raul hold the key to your heart?

Honey, you have got to be confident in who you are and in the choices you are going to make. Trust the doctor on this one – it only gets more complicated as you grow up into your teens and twenties. The trick is to only make decisions that you don’t regret or feel ashamed about, and that way you can always be honest with your parents.

If they ask you a tough question, your response should be something like this: “I’m not ashamed of my actions, and I will totally tell you, but only if you are prepared to hear a truthful answer.” Then tell them the truth, but spare the details (duh, every girl should have some secrets!).

So about boys: “If you must know, I am indeed interested in boys, and I may even be dating some right now. His name may or may not be ‘Raul.’”

About alcohol (though you are too young, gf!): “I am not ashamed – I may partake in a few exotic wines or spirits from time to time.”

This works because your parents will begin to realize that (a) they don’t have control over you all the time, and (b) that you are an independent woman who can handle making decisions – you make them fully, are not ashamed, and are just living your life the way you live it.

Go Girl,
Dr. Diva

Frank - Funny - Fabulous!

Hello, and welcome to Dr. Diva's Advice!

Because everyone needs at least one fabulous psychiatrist in their life. Think of this as an advice column to the stars, except that I charitably dole out helpful words to mere laypersons. Who died and made me queen? Ann Landers, that’s who – and the b*tch that replaced her sucks.

"It's like the gay grandmother you never had"
"Because your real gay friends don't like you!"
"The Doctor is IN - and OUT!"
"The Bitch is back - and don't call it a come-back!"

So help me help you! No, I’m not an actual doctor – I’m just a diva who knows that if everyone took my advice, the world would be a much better place. Frank-Funny-Fabulous.

DrDiva@gmail.com

Help Me Help You!

"Half 'Ann Landers', half attitude problem, wholly fabulous!" --Liz Smith, on the new Advice Column Blog - DR. DIVA



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